Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Imprints on my heart

WARNING- this is not a light hearted post.
    This weekend, my in-laws went to visit my nieces and stopped at Raphael's Refuge in Flatonia on the way. This is a memorial for babies that have dies from miscarriage, still born, or abortion. She took some beautiful pictures, and she was showing them to me last night. One shattered my night. I re posted it from her blog (www.adoptedandblessed.blogspot.com). It was a picture of Jesus holding a tiny aborted baby and weeping.
    But you know, that picture did not at first remind me of  aborted babies. It reminded me of Will. Two years ago, MR. S and I were excited to be given the all-clear from the doctor to have more children. We were excited at the thought of another soul. That same month, we conceived, but didn't know it. I guessed, as my period was nine days late, but when I tested early, it was negative. My temperature was high, then low, and then I started bleeding. I assumed it was a period, but it went on and on.....on the fifth day I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive!
   I was so excited and so scared. I called my OB and she did nothing. she told me I was probably miscarrying and  to take another pregnancy test in a week. She wouldn't see me, because at that point, I was only 5 weeks along. I went to the ER, and they told me the same thing, I was too early to do anything, and they refused to give me any blood tests to confirm miscarriage.
   SO I waited. For one whole week, I waited as my bleeding got lighter, and hoped against hope. I sat in stasis, not knowing if my baby was alive or dead. After that week, I took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. My life was officially shattered.
   Can words describe a mother's pain? I was celebrating the life of my child the same time as I was losing that child. Not a lot of people understood. I was so barley pregnant, that my baby was the size of a poppy seed. Why was I a wreck? Because that child, so small and seemingly insignificant, was my BABY. It was a soul that I deeply loved and so badly wanted, a child I had prayed for.  I was devastating, not even being able to see my child to mourn it, not knowing if it was a boy or girl.
   I know some people disagree, but we had told our kids right away about the baby. Then, we had to tell them that the baby had died and was in Heaven. No, they didn't understand. How could they?They were little, with #1 being only 6. He blamed me,since the baby was in my tummy. We mourned as a family. Finally, we decided to name our baby Will, since we know it was God's will to even have given us that child, and God's will to call him home before we even got to meet him.
   Two years next month, and I still get teary eyed at the thought of Will. I look at his sister #4, who was conceived three months later, and wonder what he would be like. I understand she might not be here if Will was here, but my Mama's heart wants ALL of my babies here with me.
   I sit here and think of all those babies lost to abortion. I mourn them, and I mourn for their mothers. Maybe they knew what they were doing, maybe they were forced, maybe they didn't realize. Maybe they regret it, maybe they don't, but my heart still aches for them. They are mothers who have lost their children, and we must never forget that. They can't change the past, anymore than I can, but they still need love.  That mom who may now realize what she did is mourning her lost child no less then me.
     If you are a mother who has lost a child for ANY reason, I want this:I want to hug you, and look you in the eyes and tell you, "I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry for what you went through. You are not alone, you are loved, and I am here for you."

     How very softly you tiptoed into my world,
Almost silently.
Only a minute you stayed,
But what an imprint your footsteps have made on my heart.